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20121201
20121231
Search Results 0 to 44 of about 45 (some duplicates have been removed)
from the top spot. and nation, you did it. yesterday "america again" hit number one on amazon! wooooooooo! [cheers and applause] literally -- literally read it and weep, bill! this is huge. "killing kennedy" has been on the amazon charts for ten weeks! nine weeks longer than it took him to write it. [ laughter ] not only did "america again" beat out "killing kennedy," it also beat out the kinky, psychosexual novel "fifty shades of grey" due, i'm sure, to my book's graphic depictions of depraved sadomasochistic sex. [ laughter ] once again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. [ laughter ] as for papa bear, i have so crushed my hero, i look forward to his next book "killing a fifth of bourbon in a puddle of my own tears" by bill o'reilly but my book is not the only thing that has captured the imagination of america. the country is gripped by the prospect that i will be appointed to replace jim demint in the us senate by south carolina governor nikki haley. [cheers and applause] and i am raking in the -- it's electric! and i am raking in the endorsements. for instance, when ask
america stepped back from greatness. oh, let's see, what's the best way to send the rescu rescue-- russ keyes a message. a tense u.s. security council meeting, no, you light up the goddamn moon way nuclear haloso bright kruschev can read pravda at midnight. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, and what milk toast nancy pants pussied out on our nuclear lunar program? eisenhower. sure, ike beat the nazis but what about the moon nazies? oh, they don't exist? that's just what moon hitler wants you to believe. instead, instead we chose lunar appeasement. and it is just emboldened the moon. i swear last week that thing was half the size. this nation, i say this nation must nuke the moon before it can acquire nuclear weapons of its own. and don't think it isn't trying because we know it is teamed up with fundamentalist islam. (laughter) folks, if you ask me, you shouldn't be asking me because i ask the questions around here. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) nation, one of the very biggest losers of the recent election was traditional marriage. you see three mor
to a budget deal by january 1, automatic spending cuts will kick in and plunge america into a second recession things are not looking too good. >> in washington, a fly in the ointment. debt deal negotiations have stalled. >> the fiscal cliff stalemate remains. >> the standoff continues. there isn't a lot of reason for hope. >> democrats and republicans are blaming each other for the stalled negotiations. >> who's going to blink sglirs what's going to blink first. >> the white house is daring republicans literally to blink. (laughter) >> stephen: obama is daring republicans literally to blink. well, the joke's on him! (laughter) because i know some republicans who had their eyelids surgically removed. (laughter) (cheers and applause) now obama won't budge off his calls for $1.6 trillion in new tax revenue over the coming decade, mostly from increasing tax rates and taxes on upper-bracket earners. folks, that's just punishing our nation's job creators. america's billionaires are the engine that drives our economy through smart investments! and occasionally through dumb ones. (laughter) today hou
tore get into america's top colleges. this past spring, harvard and princeton posted record-low acceptance rates with harvard admitting just 2,000 of the 34,000 applicants, a rate of 5.9%. 5.9! really? because i calculated that myself, and it's 2,000, 34, 000, like that, and i i got will be boobies. ( laughter ). now, no wonder worried parents spend thousands on s.a.t. prep courses, math tudors, english tudors, mandarin lessons, not to pad the child's resume but so it can claw out the eyes of the competition. good luck filling out your application now. now, luckily, there is a much simpler way to give kids a leg up. and it brings us to tonight's word ( cheers and applause ) higher learning nation, you can get the best tutor money can buy, but ultimately, there's always going to be one thing standing in the way of your kid's potential. that obstacle-- your kid. because after giving them every possible advantage, many parents fiend out their kid doesn't get into hafer or princeton. what are they supposed to do, have their kid packed off to some technical school? folks, that's
america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a great thanksgiving. i celebrated the traditional manner with my family or as the indians call them maze. but folks we all know thanksgiving is just a preamble to the holiest day the year, black friday. when americans-- when americans come together to bow before their lord the wal-mart rollback guy. because jesus isn't the only one who is saved. and black friday, because black friday las biblical roots. that's when the three wise men got that killer buy gold and frankincense get one myrrh free, deal. and folks this year was a great one for retailers. >> sales broke records both on-line and in stores. a total of $247 million people shopped. that's a 9% increase over last year's numbers. each shopper spent on average $42
core par core. little did i know it would take america by storm. stop. >> what are you doing. >> i am getting on tosh.o. >> not hard core enough. weird how none of those took place at a fortune 500 companies. see you next one. am i the only one that doesn't have their body in early spring? enjoy. [applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ oh merry ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, thank you for joining us! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. there is tons of excitement in the air tonight. it is the final night of hobbit week. (cheers and applause) i'm so excited, folks. i'm so excited about tonight's show, i have been camping outside my studio since 5 a.m. dressed as my favorite character. tonight's guest director peter jackson. (cheers and applause) who has requested that tonight's interview be broken into three parts and aired every december until 2014. you know,
of the pot cast. i can no longer be friends with you, but i am proud of you. good night, america. hello, milan! [ applause ] (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, sit down. folks, folks-- as a great lady once said we got to hang out. well, merry christmas, everybody. as with you see i have fully incringe eled my set for the week. i have candy cane columns back there. i have my two big balls right down here. i have poinsettias all back there, festive and deadly. (laughter) but let's not forget it is also night three of hanukkah which i am celebrating by having just mentioned it right now. (laughter) you're welcome, jews. okay, that's called the colbert bump. speaking of me, everyone's speaking of me. >> south carolina senator jim demint is stepping down, so guess who's stepping up as a possible candidate, stephen colbert. (
was 16. i mean you didn't grow up in great america, you grew newspaper canada. >> but very close to the border. >> stephen: so-- you could put your ear to the border and hear music coming over? >> yes. i actually could. because we lived right, well, on vancouver island. >> stephen: the cover of this album, we have that cover up on the album right there. i didn't realize how much i liked jazz you got some heat for this. why did you get heat for this. are jazz women not allowed to be attractive? >> well, the title of the-- well it wasn't about being attractive. well, though that was fun to play dress up. i was just playing out of the dress up box. >> stephen: okay, sure, don't need to know. (laughter) >> publicly in the dress up box. but a lot of the idea of the flapper in the 20s, there is sort of a darker side was alfred finny johnson pictures of the-- girls were dressed very provocatively. and i was tracted to the song in glad rag doll which i found t is little painted lady, it isn't 5 foot 2 eyes of blue. it's little painted lady, and-- . >> stephen: about prostitutes. >> basic
of america's disenfranchised minorities to violently rise up against the white male patriarchy that is keeping you down. it is time to stick it to the man. and i should know, i'm the man. (laughter) i mean look-- look-- look at everything i have. you see this ipad? see this ipad right here, i got it for free. and my free ipad has its own free miniipad which has its own free iphone 5, which has a free nano, which has its own free shuffle. i can afford all this but i don't have to pay for it. doesn't that just make you want to bluferjon me with a chair leg until i burst open like a cash pinata? meanwhile-- (applause) meanwhile down troden, your future prospects are pretty dim. i mean have you heard the coming cuts to public education or food stamps? have you heard about the cuts to medicaid? and folks, let me tell you, the rich just get richer. so really mugging an old couple outside the operahouse is a form of justice. i mean think about it-- (laughter) ultimately all of in is society's fault and i say it's pay back time. you know what might put you in the mind-set for mayhem? n
so french? >> she was a french woman. >> okay, but you're in america now, why not change the name to mamma doesy's house of candles. >> it has been around for 200 years. >> okay, all right. then it was off to the hall of celebrities. >> so this is all wax. >> that's correct. >> i know what i'm doing here. i'm not just some ham ture coming here and licking wax figurines. >> you may not lick them. >> let's move on. this is tiger woods. >> this is senator jackson. >> okayment i didn't recognize him because this is the longest i have ever seen him go without screaming the word [bleep]. >> johnny depp. >> can't lick any of these. >> can't lick one of these. >> no. >> can i lick it and you don't watch. >> i am not looking. >> could do you have the authority to do so. >> without does, can i talk to madame tussaud please. >> she died in 1850. >> i'm so sorry. i didn't know. apologize that was insensitive of me. very good. that's excellent. wow. you really captured me here. my hair is not that salt and peppery and i'm not this fat but that is my jaw. >> this is george clooney. >> i get tha
Search Results 0 to 44 of about 45 (some duplicates have been removed)